Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*