Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers