SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
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It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
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Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?