Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
You better watch out
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?