Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.