Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.