Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
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2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”