Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
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*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.