Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
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Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.