Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!