son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them