SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
live long and prosper!
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.