@jordan_stratton: SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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@TheIronSherk: What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
@KalvinMacleod: Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday? Me: not answer any more questions.
@Sickayduh: "Ma'am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them" - Oh no "This is Debra" - aww I like that "And this is Depanties"
@Robert_Beau: Shepherd's wife: You always seem so happy dear. Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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