SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there. ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

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@jordan_stratton: SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

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@perrypotters: Things I know I cannot do but still try to: 1. Cartwheel 2. Hit the high note 3. Move things with my mind 4. Eat 'just one' 5. Be Cool

@thejodiest: Please don't directly insult people on Twitter. Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

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@myles_morrison: Whenever your girlfriend tells you she's on her period remember not to say things like "that explains it."

@LindaInDisguise: Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce? Him: Usually it's me asking you that. 13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

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