SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
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Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
This was my dad’s browser history.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?