“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
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Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
This was a bad idea all around
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Just say no
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”