Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.