Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600