[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.