[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
こいつ天才
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Siri, fight Alexa.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Festive toon…
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?