[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Do not levitate over flowers
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang