[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.