[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
You Might Also Like
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!