[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
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I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back