SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
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Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If you are reading this then you are reading this
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Kermit goes Blue.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.