SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
This meal prepping shit is easy
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
time for some seasonal decor
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.