Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
The Birdles
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
(True)
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
When someone trying to leave me
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck