Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Skills
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.