Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
You Might Also Like
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
the saddest jazz hands ever
My plans: 2020:
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?