Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Feels
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.