SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
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Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
birds and squirrels envy us
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Expect the unexporcupine.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.