SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
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I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids