SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow