Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.