SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Midwest trash talk
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.