SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
The game has officially changed 😎
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…