Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.