@SomeChrisTweets: Son, I'm not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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@usermcuserface: How did you find me?? Cop: Your ransom note had pasted letters from a magazine. It was between you and like 4 other people on earth.
@SlipperySecret: Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex: I think I love you. Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window: Okay....
@HuntPoindexter: My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.