Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial