SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans