SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
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Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
greetings!
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.