SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.