I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
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YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub