*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
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the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
So we got a goldfish…
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver