Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life