Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
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KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.