son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
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[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”