@lawblob: son let me tell you about the birds and the bees... I left a window opened and they flew in and now I'm scared to go in that room
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@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
@chuuew: [planning heist] Me: We'll need the element of surprise. Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I'm Ne
@Matt_The_1st: Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room