Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.