I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
When you kidnap a writer.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.