Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
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TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
just witnessed a drug deal
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.