Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
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blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
tourist season
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?