Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug