Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Always…
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.